Now picture this, you suffer from anxiety or any other form of mental health issue. You go to the centre for therapy, medication or any other form of help they offer and you are handed a badge ! This badge is for a support group for “people like you”, a group that that informs you that you need not be ashamed of the mental health issues you have and it’s a group you will get comfort from joining. All sounds good right? Though the whole badge thing is weird! Not as weird as the badge though…
I'm not so sure they are trying to make people feel better. The person on the badge is a freak! This badge seriously scares me! Just what are they trying to say? The badge makes me feel depressed and silly and I don't actually belong to this group. I was simply handed one of these unfortunate objects because I was sitting with Maya.
Some scary women came up to her and started talking about something most incoherently! At least, to us she seemed most incoherent! I suppose it could of partly been because we were so nervous of suddenly being approached when in full conversation I might add. We thought she was there for treatment herself , and that is why she was unaware how rude coming up to two people in the middle of a conversation is. Her condition made her not understand this. However, she turned out to be a member of staff…
She wanted Maya to fill out a questionnaire of sorts about what she thought of the place. I’d glad she got to mention how it’s always too flipping hot in there. It’s really horrible. The heating has been on even on warm days making the waiting room, and I imagine, other areas of the clinic most uncomfortable.
There is something about some people that is really off putting. I mean she was friendly and behaved in a kindly manner towards us both. However, it didn’t ring true to me. There are some people with a sickly sweet manner and that was her. It always feels as if they are just being nice because they are paid to be or because it boosters themselves up as a worthwhile human being. In other words they get a kick out of “being good”. It’s not the same thing as getting a genuine pleasure. A warmth in ones heart, from doing the right thing and making someone else’s life better. I know I must sound so cynical but I think it’s more the case of being insightful. Because I am not saying everyone is like this. I recognize and have much gratitude towards genuine kindness when it is found.
You know what I have come very aware of? My voice! No more the way I use my voice. The wording I use in conversion, such as saying “like” in place of "such as", or simply saying "like" where it is not needed. Furthermore, I become tongue tied really easily. I feel I have very basic spoken skills. I find that I am able to I write a fair bit better than what I talk! I honestly don’t look down on other people like me or with less skill than me, as long as they are good people that is what matters. However, the way I talk bothers me personally more than I’d like to admit and has done so for a while. I think it’s partly a confidence issue. I find in real life conversation my thoughts race quickly or they blank out quickly. Leaving me little time to grab them up and spilt them out. Also ability to form good descriptions and concepts fails me when in conversation, even though I know what I want to say in my head. I really want to scream sometimes I am quite good at making myself feel so silly. When I’m alone and thinking things out in my own head I feel I have good literacy skills! Maybe it all comes down to not having shared many conversations with people face to face over the years. I've had few friends. Let alone ones that want to engaged in real stimulating discussion. Thankfully both Esmy and Maya do! :)
I think I will try speaking slower and see if that helps! Oh this all reminds me of something I read the other day, part of a conversation Jeremy Brett was having with Linda Pritchard, when they had first became friends.
When he was 16 years old, after he had contracted rheumatic fever. “Doctors thought I would never recover from the illness,” he said, “They told me I would never run up stairs and that I would be chair bound for the rest of my life. I guess that’s why I have little faith in doctors. No, I shouldn’t say that. I do have faith in their ability, but it seems to me many of them limit their outlook only to what is physically possible today, only to breakthroughs published in current medical journals. Nothing is attributed to will of the human being, how the human will can surpass physical handicaps and limitations. Anyway, I did manage to run up stairs and have since done a lot with my life, things those very same doctors thought would be impossible.
“and there’s one good thing that resulted from that ailment. When the illness was at its peak and I was very close to death, that was when I managed to touch the petticoats of comprehension Actually, it is something that has really helped me. Knowing that there is more to us than life and death makes one realise that all things are possible….”
“That is what gave me the confidence to do what I really wanted to do : be an actor. Be an actor, despite a speech impediment. It was a discouraging handicap, enough to make one give up trying to become an actor. Had I not the belief that anything was possible, I just might have given up. Not being able to pronounce the letters “r” and “s” is not something an actor can get away with. But because of my belief and probably a good dose of stubbornness, I just would not let go of my dream. I knew I had to overcome the obstacle. There just had to be. So I had my tongue cut, went to the Central School Of Speech and Drama, and gave it my best effort. And it worked. I was able to do what I was told I could never do…”
I think Jeremy had a delightful voice and expressed himself so well. If he can do it maybe I can too.:) From reading this book I have been reading it's also very clear he was a deep thinker and enjoyed meaningful coversation. I so wish I could have a chat to him about life, death, the universe and so much more. Be so lovely!
“One must always remember that we are not merely made of skin and bone. We are spiritual beings who can achieve all we set out to do. All we have to do is believe in the truth of our existence. We were not put on this earth by chance and either have we been put here simply to live and die. We are all on a wonderful journey of discovery. Not only to discover the joys and hardships of life, but to discover who we really are”.
I hope he's right...
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