What a dull dark day it is today! I made a new Sherlock video last night but I need to do more to it before I upload it. I don't know if it will be very popular but doesn't matter. :) The day seems so quite without Esmy about! For 3 weeks I barely stopped and now everything seems so slow, must take myself out somewhere this weekend! I actually still need to buy my ‘outfit’ for the Sherlock meet up. I actually brought a top hat while down Devon but it’s a bit tight and I’d rather a better one. It seems a nice one won’t come cheaply. Sherlock Holmes museum sells them for £45 and Oxford Street for £65 - £75. This is not good because I’m rather broke now! Anyway, enough of that…
While Esmy was here there were a lot of ‘firsts’ for me. Some will know already how social anxious I can get and how I can’t call up strangers on the phone and things of that nature. Well I hailed a cab in London, rang up and booked a cab while staying in Devon (twice in fact), and ordered at a restaurant and a pub. These are all important firsts for me! Simple things often taken for granted by everyone else but big things for me so I’m pretty pleased with myself.
While Esmy was here we went to a number of old cemeteries, churches, went on a boat trip across the Thames, went to the Pollock’s museum of childhood, sherlock holmes pub and we went to Devon to watch Ottery Tar Barrels event among other things!
In Devon we stayed in a most beautiful old Devon Longhouse (Higher Barns). The owners (Vaughan and Angela Glanville) are Potters and have a delightful pottery studio adjacent to their fabulous home. Oh it was wonderful to walk around looking at their creations, and their home was equally as full of interesting pottery. I could seriously live in a home like theirs. All the rooms have wooden beam ceilings, and none of the rooms are even floored or walled, everything has a usual shape or a delightful imperfection. It’s so natural and the countryside surrounds were delight as well.
Vaughan and Angela were so friendly to us and treated us like relations more than paid guests really. Every day we were offered lifts into town as well! The day after the Ottery Tar Barrels event (which Vaughan picked us up from at midnight!), Vaughan drove to Sidmouth he said we’d really like it.
Esmy and I really loved Sidmouth! It’s a small sleepy seaside town with some beautiful old shops and churches. It’s so quite and peaceful compared to the crappy area of London I live in, and so clean! We spent some hours in a churchyard and exploring the interesting shops (not one brand name store!!) before heading to the pebbled beach. We started at the beach sometime until it was getting quite dark and then we caught a Taxi back to Higher Barns. That night I had an early Birthday party of sorts seeing Esmy wouldn’t be around for my actual birthday. I’m not a drinker but Esmy had brought a couple of bottles of the dizzy stuff and I decided to find out what I was like when drunk! Apparently I am highly amusing! Haha
I spent an hour trying to prove I wasn’t drunk by trying to walk in straight lines and I kept crashing into the bed and falling on the floor. Then I recall having a strange drunk conversation where I mentioned Sherlock & Watson, and then presended to babble on about Jeremy Brett a lot! I have a feeling I said some pretty odd things! And I did all this while wearing a top hat and laying flat on my back on the floor, lifting my head up now and then to say "ohh my head feels funny". Esmy was kind enough to film it *worries*. No doubt when she has unpacked and found time she will be sending me a DVD of this. Oh dear!!
The next day it was time to leave Ark Pottery behind but not before having a philological and political discussion with Angela around the breakfast table. Then Vaughan taking us out back to feed their small family of sheep some tasty bread. Then Angela dropped us off in Ottery for us to catch the bus to Exeter (which we had decided to go to for the night before heading back to London). In the end we decided to catch a Taxi from Ottery because the buses aren’t utterly frequent. So I CALLED a taxi and it was with us in about 15 minutes.
The hotel in Exeter was seriously dull compared to the Devon Longhouse but we only planed be there the night so we didn’t complain too much. Soon as we dropped off our bags at the hotel we went out to have a look around Exeter. We headed for Exeter cathedral, a lovely old building in a disappointingly modern country city. We spent a good hour there before leaving to locate the Norman Castle and old city wall of Exeter. The climb was a little steep for tired feet but it was lovely once we reached the castle.
I think I’ll stop typing here because I’m rather tired, no doubt I’ll mention more about the eventful three weeks when I’m more rested. Plus I have a lot of photos to download from my camera. :)
Thursday, 13 November 2008
Our Mother's House
Few days ago I saw a film on TMC I really liked, the film in question was called “Our Mother’s House”, which was released in 1967.
It was about this large group of children raised alone by their mother. Sadly their mother dies and instead of informing the authorities the children decide to bury their mother’s body in the garden! They are so scared of being taken away and put into orphanages, possibly split up because there are quite a number of them (seven children in total). One of the children is quite skilled and clever, and he fakes his mother’s signature so they can withdraw money from their mother’s bank account monthly to live on.
So there they are just a bunch of children (ranging in age from about 6 to 13) living semi wild in a house trying to cope alone. Still going to school and pretending everything is how it should be.
Being so young and emotionally delicate they really can’t cope well without some guidance. So they start talking to their mother for guidance, the oldest girl of the hook family acting as a spiritual channel at there “talk to mother” gatherings.
I find this aspect of the film most fascinating because it’s clear that they aren’t really in contact with their mother, this is their way of coping with life. Onlookers would think them quite troubled and clearly a little mad but the children can’t see this. The children gain a beautiful comfort from having their mother around, a comfort you really wouldn‘t want to part them from.
Another thing I liked about the film was how deeply bonded these children were to each other, their love was so strong and pure, their little sprits so free and wild (I found this most touching).
The film doesn’t really have what anyone could call a happy ending! One of the children in a moment of uncontrollable rage kills a person she deeply loved. It’s an accident really, her heart was too pure for murder, but rage within is an evil thing and it took her over. This is a moment in the film which is both captivating in it’s intensity and abhorrent in equal measure. The young actress (whom I sadly don’t know the name of) plays this part amazingly well.
The children find themselves on the inescapable route to the orphanage…
I could only find a tiny clip of it on You Tube, and going by the comments it is not on DVD! Now if only I knew how to work the blasted dvd recorder in case it comes on again!
It was about this large group of children raised alone by their mother. Sadly their mother dies and instead of informing the authorities the children decide to bury their mother’s body in the garden! They are so scared of being taken away and put into orphanages, possibly split up because there are quite a number of them (seven children in total). One of the children is quite skilled and clever, and he fakes his mother’s signature so they can withdraw money from their mother’s bank account monthly to live on.
So there they are just a bunch of children (ranging in age from about 6 to 13) living semi wild in a house trying to cope alone. Still going to school and pretending everything is how it should be.
Being so young and emotionally delicate they really can’t cope well without some guidance. So they start talking to their mother for guidance, the oldest girl of the hook family acting as a spiritual channel at there “talk to mother” gatherings.
I find this aspect of the film most fascinating because it’s clear that they aren’t really in contact with their mother, this is their way of coping with life. Onlookers would think them quite troubled and clearly a little mad but the children can’t see this. The children gain a beautiful comfort from having their mother around, a comfort you really wouldn‘t want to part them from.
Another thing I liked about the film was how deeply bonded these children were to each other, their love was so strong and pure, their little sprits so free and wild (I found this most touching).
The film doesn’t really have what anyone could call a happy ending! One of the children in a moment of uncontrollable rage kills a person she deeply loved. It’s an accident really, her heart was too pure for murder, but rage within is an evil thing and it took her over. This is a moment in the film which is both captivating in it’s intensity and abhorrent in equal measure. The young actress (whom I sadly don’t know the name of) plays this part amazingly well.
The children find themselves on the inescapable route to the orphanage…
I could only find a tiny clip of it on You Tube, and going by the comments it is not on DVD! Now if only I knew how to work the blasted dvd recorder in case it comes on again!
My answers for Charlotte
1) If you were given the chance to only one of the following three ultimate truths: Is there a heaven/hell Is there a God as you perceive him to be Are there such things as ghosts Which would you choose to know the answer of if you had to choose? And why!
I’d like the god question answered most of all. I’ve had experiences with ghosts so I tend to believe in them without much question. I’ve been told before I seem to have spiritual sight. If anyone actually wants to hear about my ghostly experiences - say so - I quite enjoy retelling them. Although I keep an open mind to the possibility of mental illness being the cause of ghostly experiences for everyone, hahaha!
To explain more why I would like the god question answered I will have to go into a long ramble about what I believe. There’s no way around it so hold onto your hats folks! For me there is no Higher or Supreme Being as it’s normally perceived. When someone thinks of god they think of him as having a personality, and yes normally being a he but sometimes as she! They think of god as having form (human normally but could be the moon or any other element to others), feelings, and emotions and as a force able to change ones destiny… a force that requires worship. This is not how I perceive god at all.
For me you could say there is no god, yet there is very much a god! There is what you could call the power of god if you so wish, this power within us all. It’s in us, the animals, the trees, the moon, the stars… it’s in everything that is impossible. What is this power? Goodness I suppose is the simple way to put it. That’s the simple answer goodness is god. Goodness couldn’t create anything, goodness can’t come from nothing (bad) either. Nothing good can come from bad. Goodness is just always and forever, life has no start and no end, it is just always here it just can take different forms. It flows through us and is us; it’s a deeply spiritual force we all process. We all have this godly power, and like wise we all have the power to do evil. In this term there is punishment because we create our own hells, our own destiny… it is us that makes our own choices. I do believe in heaven but again not in the commonly perceived way. If you actually want my opinion on that, or to go into further detail on the god issue, just say so and I’ll answer. It's VERY hard for me to explain.
2) Is there any part of your personality you really dislike and if so what is it? Well there are loads of things I’d love to change to be honest with you. One of them is I think I’m most likely to hard on/critical of people (including myself).
3) If you could be granted a wish to come true, what would your wish be for? For everything to be prefect for everyone. No hate, no war, no death, everyone that’s now dead to be alive, no age, no ill health… no pain (mental or physical). If I’m in a black mood I think the only way to get this is by blowing the world up, however annoying I think we‘d all just regenerate somewhere else. *chuckle*
4) Do you like animals? Absolutely!!! They are so very important to me and I have to say I have no trust for those that don’t love animals. How can one not love living breathing creatures? Especially those that claim to be religious (Muslim/Christian), because didn’t god there for create the animals? Surely then they are to be loved, correct? Like us they have both good and bad in them, but one most look at the animals closely some animals have elements we really could do with. I have a great affinity with animals. My favourite animals are dogs, horses, dears, rodents, mongooses and elephants.
5) What would make you disown a friend? Hmm strongly selfish actions which they know will cause myself and others great pain, but they think worthwhile because they want to obtain something. That’s the short answer anyway. ;)
I’d like the god question answered most of all. I’ve had experiences with ghosts so I tend to believe in them without much question. I’ve been told before I seem to have spiritual sight. If anyone actually wants to hear about my ghostly experiences - say so - I quite enjoy retelling them. Although I keep an open mind to the possibility of mental illness being the cause of ghostly experiences for everyone, hahaha!
To explain more why I would like the god question answered I will have to go into a long ramble about what I believe. There’s no way around it so hold onto your hats folks! For me there is no Higher or Supreme Being as it’s normally perceived. When someone thinks of god they think of him as having a personality, and yes normally being a he but sometimes as she! They think of god as having form (human normally but could be the moon or any other element to others), feelings, and emotions and as a force able to change ones destiny… a force that requires worship. This is not how I perceive god at all.
For me you could say there is no god, yet there is very much a god! There is what you could call the power of god if you so wish, this power within us all. It’s in us, the animals, the trees, the moon, the stars… it’s in everything that is impossible. What is this power? Goodness I suppose is the simple way to put it. That’s the simple answer goodness is god. Goodness couldn’t create anything, goodness can’t come from nothing (bad) either. Nothing good can come from bad. Goodness is just always and forever, life has no start and no end, it is just always here it just can take different forms. It flows through us and is us; it’s a deeply spiritual force we all process. We all have this godly power, and like wise we all have the power to do evil. In this term there is punishment because we create our own hells, our own destiny… it is us that makes our own choices. I do believe in heaven but again not in the commonly perceived way. If you actually want my opinion on that, or to go into further detail on the god issue, just say so and I’ll answer. It's VERY hard for me to explain.
2) Is there any part of your personality you really dislike and if so what is it? Well there are loads of things I’d love to change to be honest with you. One of them is I think I’m most likely to hard on/critical of people (including myself).
3) If you could be granted a wish to come true, what would your wish be for? For everything to be prefect for everyone. No hate, no war, no death, everyone that’s now dead to be alive, no age, no ill health… no pain (mental or physical). If I’m in a black mood I think the only way to get this is by blowing the world up, however annoying I think we‘d all just regenerate somewhere else. *chuckle*
4) Do you like animals? Absolutely!!! They are so very important to me and I have to say I have no trust for those that don’t love animals. How can one not love living breathing creatures? Especially those that claim to be religious (Muslim/Christian), because didn’t god there for create the animals? Surely then they are to be loved, correct? Like us they have both good and bad in them, but one most look at the animals closely some animals have elements we really could do with. I have a great affinity with animals. My favourite animals are dogs, horses, dears, rodents, mongooses and elephants.
5) What would make you disown a friend? Hmm strongly selfish actions which they know will cause myself and others great pain, but they think worthwhile because they want to obtain something. That’s the short answer anyway. ;)
Sunday, 20 July 2008
1. What's the most daring thing you've ever done? Go as far as Clapham Common on my own, find certain places I was looking for there(I so wanted to see Jeremy Brett's house - which I did!!), all without having a panic attack. :p
2. What do you do before bedtime? Part from the normal stuff, I also kiss the front cover of a book I have under my pillow, and say goodnight. I'm sane honest! :D
3. What will your dream wedding be like? I can't picture ever getting married, never even had a boyfriend. I am so amazingly fussy it's unreal, for me it's hard just to find suitable friends let alone a husband (plus I hardly leave the house, haha). I'm for having the best or nothing I suppose. For agreement sake though, I'd like to be married in a forest or at a castle and my man dressed in a smart black suit complete with coat tales. How flipping girly is that? I blame this video entirely click here.
4. What country in the world do you want to visit and why? Well I'm always keen on going to Germany (been twice before). Out of countries I've never been I quite fancy New Zealand because the countryside looks pretty.
5. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? I guess I'm an introvert really, but I've been known to be quite noisy and annoying around people I'm comfortable with.
6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone? Both suck if they don't have the other. It’s very nice to be truly loved by someone though.
7. Do you trust easily? Not anymore, I'm damaged goods now. In the past I was seriously giving and supportive and showered people with my time, support and affection only to find I never got the same back, worst still they‘ve turned out to be control freaks (I suffered mental abuse). I almost committed suicide one night because one such person - they really mentally broke me in, It's made me critical of people’s motives all the time.
8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do? Get really upset then get over it and see if I can be a close friend of theirs instead. Friendship is the ultimate form of love after all.
9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days? I'm wondering if I should answer this fully or just give a quick answer. Let’s see... yes.
10. If you could have anything in the world, what would it be? The ability to make people I love never die and be happy always, and bring people I admire back to life and make them happy always.
11. Is being tagged fun? Not in the playground game ;-;
12. Who was your biggest influence this past year and why? I think anyone who has read this journal or been to my you tube page knows the answer to this one. To be polite to people on my friends list who maybe getting sick of saying who that is, I won’t say. I can get through a post without mentioning him see! Wait mentioned him early on didn’t I? Oh poppycock already did early on! Anyway, I won’t say anymore because I could really ramble given a chance.
13. The journey or the destination? Both if the end result is positive nither if it isn't.
14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is? Wasn't tagged directly butttttt.... kind and determined (I like that in someone).
15. Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor? The first because I'm highly unlike to marry anyone anyway.
16. How many children do you want to have, if any? None please! :)
17. What's better to give or to receive? I genuinely love buying stuff for my friends
18. Would you go into that particular sex store if some relatives or colleagues are walking nearby, able to see you? Never been into a sex store in my life. I’m a seriously old fashioned kind of girl. I don’t even believe in wearing tops that show any amount of breast tissue or bras that make them stick out, haha. In fact I‘m not a shamed to say if I got married I‘d be a virgin bride that’s how old fashioned I am! I should have been born in the 20’s or 30’s, I wouldn’t feel such a freak. Not to say I don’t have a hidden wild side, I am a scorpio after all. =D And I do have a cheeky sense of humour so i just going in the store for a laugh with a friend that would be diffrent. no way with relatives or colleagues walking by though.
19. Would you have 100% safe sex with a stranger for $10,000,000? For 1 million yes not for any less (not that anyone would pay that for me, heh), because it would be security for me and my family never had security and had so many hard times. I'd be traumatized afterwards of course. Seeing I’d only ever consider someone really gentle natured and wouldn't get such a person; the money will help pay the therapy bill.
2. What do you do before bedtime? Part from the normal stuff, I also kiss the front cover of a book I have under my pillow, and say goodnight. I'm sane honest! :D
3. What will your dream wedding be like? I can't picture ever getting married, never even had a boyfriend. I am so amazingly fussy it's unreal, for me it's hard just to find suitable friends let alone a husband (plus I hardly leave the house, haha). I'm for having the best or nothing I suppose. For agreement sake though, I'd like to be married in a forest or at a castle and my man dressed in a smart black suit complete with coat tales. How flipping girly is that? I blame this video entirely click here.
4. What country in the world do you want to visit and why? Well I'm always keen on going to Germany (been twice before). Out of countries I've never been I quite fancy New Zealand because the countryside looks pretty.
5. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? I guess I'm an introvert really, but I've been known to be quite noisy and annoying around people I'm comfortable with.
6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone? Both suck if they don't have the other. It’s very nice to be truly loved by someone though.
7. Do you trust easily? Not anymore, I'm damaged goods now. In the past I was seriously giving and supportive and showered people with my time, support and affection only to find I never got the same back, worst still they‘ve turned out to be control freaks (I suffered mental abuse). I almost committed suicide one night because one such person - they really mentally broke me in, It's made me critical of people’s motives all the time.
8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do? Get really upset then get over it and see if I can be a close friend of theirs instead. Friendship is the ultimate form of love after all.
9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days? I'm wondering if I should answer this fully or just give a quick answer. Let’s see... yes.
10. If you could have anything in the world, what would it be? The ability to make people I love never die and be happy always, and bring people I admire back to life and make them happy always.
11. Is being tagged fun? Not in the playground game ;-;
12. Who was your biggest influence this past year and why? I think anyone who has read this journal or been to my you tube page knows the answer to this one. To be polite to people on my friends list who maybe getting sick of saying who that is, I won’t say. I can get through a post without mentioning him see! Wait mentioned him early on didn’t I? Oh poppycock already did early on! Anyway, I won’t say anymore because I could really ramble given a chance.
13. The journey or the destination? Both if the end result is positive nither if it isn't.
14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is? Wasn't tagged directly butttttt.... kind and determined (I like that in someone).
15. Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor? The first because I'm highly unlike to marry anyone anyway.
16. How many children do you want to have, if any? None please! :)
17. What's better to give or to receive? I genuinely love buying stuff for my friends
18. Would you go into that particular sex store if some relatives or colleagues are walking nearby, able to see you? Never been into a sex store in my life. I’m a seriously old fashioned kind of girl. I don’t even believe in wearing tops that show any amount of breast tissue or bras that make them stick out, haha. In fact I‘m not a shamed to say if I got married I‘d be a virgin bride that’s how old fashioned I am! I should have been born in the 20’s or 30’s, I wouldn’t feel such a freak. Not to say I don’t have a hidden wild side, I am a scorpio after all. =D And I do have a cheeky sense of humour so i just going in the store for a laugh with a friend that would be diffrent. no way with relatives or colleagues walking by though.
19. Would you have 100% safe sex with a stranger for $10,000,000? For 1 million yes not for any less (not that anyone would pay that for me, heh), because it would be security for me and my family never had security and had so many hard times. I'd be traumatized afterwards of course. Seeing I’d only ever consider someone really gentle natured and wouldn't get such a person; the money will help pay the therapy bill.
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
Apathy is a form of evil
Quite day for me, my mind seems very still indeed and I feel positively relaxed (it's been a while). I spend way too much time on YOU TUBE but I like to be expressive (because I'm not outside cyber space), I can't keep away. I want to do another serious music video telling an entire SH story, I think I'd like to do The Master Blackmailer or Illustrious Client, only thing is I need music that is at least eight minutes long (to tell the whole story) and I can't think of anything entirely suitable at present. I love both of those stories very much, such great stories. Need something creepy sounding because both stories have two very controlling dark characters within them, I find such characters simply fascinating. I also find Hitler/WWII fascinating but I think it’s because I am so far removed from it. I'd just like to see that kind of power but for good things for justice…
Why are people so apathetic? I want to see a bit of that power sadly only shown by the wrong kind of people up until now. Take the Zimbabwe Situation, soldiers should be going in there and kicking the leader of the country's arse and free those poor people. Or what about Tibet? Nothing is done about China's unbearable force on the people. I know the Dalai Lama doesn't agree with forceful action but I think it is needed. We could free Tibet tomorrow! How you might ask? If all nations just said we aren’t going buy Chinese products until we see freedom for Tibet, china would soon give in. Yes it appears that the western world needs China but it works both ways. No one is willing to get poor for a while to stand up for what is right. I’m sure I’m a hypocrite myself, I must have a lot of products that were made in china myself.
I was quite angry yesterday, on my YOU TUBE profile I mention among my interests WWII Nazi Germany. Someone asked to be added to my friends list because they thought I sounded cool. So I added this girl (also called Rebecca but liking to go by the annoying Becky) without actually looking at their profile, until the other day. I realized she was a total hillbilly type and had nothing but Nazi stuff on her profile, looked more than a passing interest to her. Of course I have knocked her off the friends list now and blocked her as well. Maybe it was also because I said I loved Germany as well as saying I had an interest in Nazi Germany. Clearly the girl unlike myself doesn't separate the two, I do so entirely. Germany of today is nothing like Nazi Germany of the past, thankfully. I love Germany of now and I'm fascinated with Germany of the past, doesn't make me a Nazi. *huff*
Why are people so apathetic? I want to see a bit of that power sadly only shown by the wrong kind of people up until now. Take the Zimbabwe Situation, soldiers should be going in there and kicking the leader of the country's arse and free those poor people. Or what about Tibet? Nothing is done about China's unbearable force on the people. I know the Dalai Lama doesn't agree with forceful action but I think it is needed. We could free Tibet tomorrow! How you might ask? If all nations just said we aren’t going buy Chinese products until we see freedom for Tibet, china would soon give in. Yes it appears that the western world needs China but it works both ways. No one is willing to get poor for a while to stand up for what is right. I’m sure I’m a hypocrite myself, I must have a lot of products that were made in china myself.
I was quite angry yesterday, on my YOU TUBE profile I mention among my interests WWII Nazi Germany. Someone asked to be added to my friends list because they thought I sounded cool. So I added this girl (also called Rebecca but liking to go by the annoying Becky) without actually looking at their profile, until the other day. I realized she was a total hillbilly type and had nothing but Nazi stuff on her profile, looked more than a passing interest to her. Of course I have knocked her off the friends list now and blocked her as well. Maybe it was also because I said I loved Germany as well as saying I had an interest in Nazi Germany. Clearly the girl unlike myself doesn't separate the two, I do so entirely. Germany of today is nothing like Nazi Germany of the past, thankfully. I love Germany of now and I'm fascinated with Germany of the past, doesn't make me a Nazi. *huff*
Saturday, 28 June 2008
Name: Rebecca
November 18 1980
2:00 AM Time Zone is UT
London, UK
Rising Sign is in 27 Degrees Virgo
You tend to be very shy and not very self-assertive. You are supercritical about how you appear to others. Even though you may think you are uninteresting and dull, you are actually quite soft- spoken, orderly, neat and very likable. You are a perfectionist with high standards, and at times you can be quite tactless in pointing out the faults of others. Very practical, efficient and purposeful, your appearance and bearing reflect your need to appear graceful, sensible and reserved. You have a crisp, no-nonsense approach to dealing with others. Never lazy or self-indulgent, you tend to be dedicated to the work ethic.
Sun is in 25 Degrees Scorpio.
Intense and complex by nature, you have extremely strong emotional reactions to most situations. Feelings are often very difficult for you to verbalize. Therefore you have a tendency to be very quiet - - to brood and think a lot. You seldom get overtly angry, but, when you do, you are furious and unforgiving. When you make an emotional commitment, it is total -- you are not attracted to superficial or casual relationships. If you are challenged, you take it as a personal affront and tend to lash out and fight back in a vengeful manner. You love mysteries and the supernatural. A good detective, you love getting to the roots of problems and you enjoy finding out what makes other people tick. You are known to be very willful, very powerful and quite tenacious!
Moon is in 27 Degrees Pisces.
You have strong feelings and are extremely sensitive. It would help if you had a thicker skin -- you tend to react emotionally to every situation you come across. Kind, gentle and considerate of the feelings of others, you are good at taking care of the sick, wounded and helpless. But you tend to absorb the energy of others -- so avoid those who are always negative. You have a rich, creative and lively imagination, but you should be careful not to spend all your time daydreaming. Very intuitive, you have good ESP and may be quite clairvoyant or psychic. Remember that you too have the right to get what you want from life. If you are always defensive and kowtowing to others, people will take advantage of you and exploit you.
Mercury is in 06 Degrees Scorpio.
You are a born investigator. You are fascinated by secrets and mysteries and unanswered questions of any kind. When you become upset or angry, your emotional reactions are overpowering -- reason and logic disappear in an uncontrollable passionate outburst. You tend to keep your thoughts secret and bottled up and this makes others regard you with suspicion. It is not that you are trying purposely to be evasive, it is just that you would rather not deal with the explosions and hassles that often occur when you reveal your true feelings and opinions. Your sense of humor tends toward sarcasm and irony.
Venus is in 22 Degrees Libra.
A very friendly and outgoing person, you hate to be alone. Beware of a continuing tendency to compromise yourself in order to avoid being lonely. Try to be yourself, not what others would like you to be. You have an innate desire to be in refined and elegant surroundings and will go out of your way to create a plush and comfortable atmosphere around you. You have heightened aesthetic sensibilities and are attracted to music and the arts. Try to avoid using your well-known seductive charm in order to get out of doing what you consider to be dirty work!
Mars is in 26 Degrees Sagittarius.
Your every action is motivated by high moral standards and ideals. You will work very hard to improve the lot of the world at large, but you demand action about it -- you do not like to just sit around and talk about doing it in an abstract manner. You like to be where the real action is. You resist mightily any attempts to limit your freedom and you will assist anyone who feels put down and restricted.
Jupiter is in 03 Degrees Libra.
You are generally good at balancing opinions and judging issues, but you tend to be indecisive when it comes to making up your own mind. You are objective and quite concerned with fair play and justice. But, when it comes to yourself, you are so aware that whatever you do might upset the apple cart that you often choose to compromise rather than do anything that might make you lonely or vulnerable. Relationships are very important to you -- you learn about yourself and grow through observing yourself interacting with others. Your aesthetic tastes are refined, but expansive and expensive.
Saturn is in 06 Degrees Libra.
Although you take quite a while to make decisions, you usually consider all sides to a question, all the pros and cons, and the solution you come up with is very often the correct one. You tend to be very reserved and shy, but, once you make a commitment to someone (in either a business or personal relationship), the partnership is forever. You have a strong sense of justice and fair play and greatly respect the laws and institutions by which you are governed. As such, you are outraged when others break laws or show contempt for authority.
Uranus is in 25 Degrees Scorpio.
You, and your peer group, demand to confront life at its deepest and most meaningful levels. Very compulsive and obsessive in your approach to everything, you will avoid anything that is casual or superficial, especially when it comes to relationships. You will seek out and explore new methods of healing as well as different ways to deal with deep-seated emotional problems.
Neptune is in 21 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."
Pluto is in 23 Degrees Libra.
For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly.
N. Node is in 14 Degrees Leo.
You prefer to take the leadership role when it comes to dealing with others. You enjoy administering and organizing group activities. Others tend to listen to your suggestions because you aren't usually overly domineering or patronizing in your interactions. You love to entertain in a big way -- you're at your best when throwing a large and lavish party. Your popularity and social success are assured as long as you don't take others for granted -- resist the temptation to become snobbish and arrogant.
If you would like a detailed (approx 30 page) interpretation of your astrological profile which includes your houses, aspects, and major trends in your chart - or if you would like other reports or readings that depict your life and the influences that you are under for any specific dates - See our chart service offerings at http://alabe.com/chartservice or contact us at 1-800-THE-NOVA for prices and information.
November 18 1980
2:00 AM Time Zone is UT
London, UK
Rising Sign is in 27 Degrees Virgo
You tend to be very shy and not very self-assertive. You are supercritical about how you appear to others. Even though you may think you are uninteresting and dull, you are actually quite soft- spoken, orderly, neat and very likable. You are a perfectionist with high standards, and at times you can be quite tactless in pointing out the faults of others. Very practical, efficient and purposeful, your appearance and bearing reflect your need to appear graceful, sensible and reserved. You have a crisp, no-nonsense approach to dealing with others. Never lazy or self-indulgent, you tend to be dedicated to the work ethic.
Sun is in 25 Degrees Scorpio.
Intense and complex by nature, you have extremely strong emotional reactions to most situations. Feelings are often very difficult for you to verbalize. Therefore you have a tendency to be very quiet - - to brood and think a lot. You seldom get overtly angry, but, when you do, you are furious and unforgiving. When you make an emotional commitment, it is total -- you are not attracted to superficial or casual relationships. If you are challenged, you take it as a personal affront and tend to lash out and fight back in a vengeful manner. You love mysteries and the supernatural. A good detective, you love getting to the roots of problems and you enjoy finding out what makes other people tick. You are known to be very willful, very powerful and quite tenacious!
Moon is in 27 Degrees Pisces.
You have strong feelings and are extremely sensitive. It would help if you had a thicker skin -- you tend to react emotionally to every situation you come across. Kind, gentle and considerate of the feelings of others, you are good at taking care of the sick, wounded and helpless. But you tend to absorb the energy of others -- so avoid those who are always negative. You have a rich, creative and lively imagination, but you should be careful not to spend all your time daydreaming. Very intuitive, you have good ESP and may be quite clairvoyant or psychic. Remember that you too have the right to get what you want from life. If you are always defensive and kowtowing to others, people will take advantage of you and exploit you.
Mercury is in 06 Degrees Scorpio.
You are a born investigator. You are fascinated by secrets and mysteries and unanswered questions of any kind. When you become upset or angry, your emotional reactions are overpowering -- reason and logic disappear in an uncontrollable passionate outburst. You tend to keep your thoughts secret and bottled up and this makes others regard you with suspicion. It is not that you are trying purposely to be evasive, it is just that you would rather not deal with the explosions and hassles that often occur when you reveal your true feelings and opinions. Your sense of humor tends toward sarcasm and irony.
Venus is in 22 Degrees Libra.
A very friendly and outgoing person, you hate to be alone. Beware of a continuing tendency to compromise yourself in order to avoid being lonely. Try to be yourself, not what others would like you to be. You have an innate desire to be in refined and elegant surroundings and will go out of your way to create a plush and comfortable atmosphere around you. You have heightened aesthetic sensibilities and are attracted to music and the arts. Try to avoid using your well-known seductive charm in order to get out of doing what you consider to be dirty work!
Mars is in 26 Degrees Sagittarius.
Your every action is motivated by high moral standards and ideals. You will work very hard to improve the lot of the world at large, but you demand action about it -- you do not like to just sit around and talk about doing it in an abstract manner. You like to be where the real action is. You resist mightily any attempts to limit your freedom and you will assist anyone who feels put down and restricted.
Jupiter is in 03 Degrees Libra.
You are generally good at balancing opinions and judging issues, but you tend to be indecisive when it comes to making up your own mind. You are objective and quite concerned with fair play and justice. But, when it comes to yourself, you are so aware that whatever you do might upset the apple cart that you often choose to compromise rather than do anything that might make you lonely or vulnerable. Relationships are very important to you -- you learn about yourself and grow through observing yourself interacting with others. Your aesthetic tastes are refined, but expansive and expensive.
Saturn is in 06 Degrees Libra.
Although you take quite a while to make decisions, you usually consider all sides to a question, all the pros and cons, and the solution you come up with is very often the correct one. You tend to be very reserved and shy, but, once you make a commitment to someone (in either a business or personal relationship), the partnership is forever. You have a strong sense of justice and fair play and greatly respect the laws and institutions by which you are governed. As such, you are outraged when others break laws or show contempt for authority.
Uranus is in 25 Degrees Scorpio.
You, and your peer group, demand to confront life at its deepest and most meaningful levels. Very compulsive and obsessive in your approach to everything, you will avoid anything that is casual or superficial, especially when it comes to relationships. You will seek out and explore new methods of healing as well as different ways to deal with deep-seated emotional problems.
Neptune is in 21 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."
Pluto is in 23 Degrees Libra.
For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly.
N. Node is in 14 Degrees Leo.
You prefer to take the leadership role when it comes to dealing with others. You enjoy administering and organizing group activities. Others tend to listen to your suggestions because you aren't usually overly domineering or patronizing in your interactions. You love to entertain in a big way -- you're at your best when throwing a large and lavish party. Your popularity and social success are assured as long as you don't take others for granted -- resist the temptation to become snobbish and arrogant.
If you would like a detailed (approx 30 page) interpretation of your astrological profile which includes your houses, aspects, and major trends in your chart - or if you would like other reports or readings that depict your life and the influences that you are under for any specific dates - See our chart service offerings at http://alabe.com/chartservice or contact us at 1-800-THE-NOVA for prices and information.
Friday, 27 June 2008
I think it’s about time I set myself another goal and go out again on my own, a repeat trip to Clapham Common I think. Although not quite yet, I keep getting recurring ankle pain so I may have to wait a tad longer. I've been on quite right downer the past few days but I’m feeling much more like myself again now. Although not entirely, I still have very little wish for company and feel some what emotionally detached right now. Receiving a delightful postcard from my dear sweet friend Esmy helped flick a light back on, I hope she can join me once again in England this year. I love her dearly.
Yesterday was quite nice, I went with my brother to buy in some pet supplies (I have a lot of pets... mostly mice). After we had finished shopping we went to Walpole Park for a sit down and a drink. There's this bench I like surrounded by trees and quite out the way, so we sat there. It seems to be the place the crows live, that park has more crows than Pigeons by far (I'm not sure why that is).I think being surrounded by crows (sometimes quite literally) puts people off sitting on my favourite bench but it doesn’t bother me in the least (though I'm sometimes wary of them). What is nice about sitting there a part from the fact it's out of the way is the fact there's lots of Squirrels, very bold friendly ones, which will come right up to you. I adore Squirrels. This day was no expectation quite a few Squirrels started appearing, and I ended up sharing half the treat bars I had brought for my mice with some of them. They seemed quite hungry. There was one particular squirrel that seemed to me in need of a good meal. He had a great big patch of missing hair around his back and middle; on closer inspection it appears he may have undergone some kind of operation quite recently. This could well be the case for there is a small wildlife rescue and hospital located in the park. So heart warningly friendly was this little Squirrel. I feed three Squirrels in total and gave some crows the crumbs seeing they were good enough not to steal from the squirrels or attack the baby squirrel, even though they surrounded my fury friends as they ate their lunch. Soon as I gave some crumbs to the crows they increased in number quite considerably, there must have been at least 50 of them. A few pigeons joined the ranks of hopefuls as well. It was time to leave the mass of little people behind then and head home.
Last night some sillies made a bonfire too close to their garden fence and managed to set it a light. It was a very big fire but thankfully it didn't spread to other people’s gardens because the firemen got to work quickly. The amount of smoke released in the air outside was quite something. Thankfully by then I had remembered my bedroom windows were open and had gone upstairs to close them but certainly left a fair smell in my room all the same.
Working on two youtube videos right now, almost finished one.
Yesterday was quite nice, I went with my brother to buy in some pet supplies (I have a lot of pets... mostly mice). After we had finished shopping we went to Walpole Park for a sit down and a drink. There's this bench I like surrounded by trees and quite out the way, so we sat there. It seems to be the place the crows live, that park has more crows than Pigeons by far (I'm not sure why that is).I think being surrounded by crows (sometimes quite literally) puts people off sitting on my favourite bench but it doesn’t bother me in the least (though I'm sometimes wary of them). What is nice about sitting there a part from the fact it's out of the way is the fact there's lots of Squirrels, very bold friendly ones, which will come right up to you. I adore Squirrels. This day was no expectation quite a few Squirrels started appearing, and I ended up sharing half the treat bars I had brought for my mice with some of them. They seemed quite hungry. There was one particular squirrel that seemed to me in need of a good meal. He had a great big patch of missing hair around his back and middle; on closer inspection it appears he may have undergone some kind of operation quite recently. This could well be the case for there is a small wildlife rescue and hospital located in the park. So heart warningly friendly was this little Squirrel. I feed three Squirrels in total and gave some crows the crumbs seeing they were good enough not to steal from the squirrels or attack the baby squirrel, even though they surrounded my fury friends as they ate their lunch. Soon as I gave some crumbs to the crows they increased in number quite considerably, there must have been at least 50 of them. A few pigeons joined the ranks of hopefuls as well. It was time to leave the mass of little people behind then and head home.
Last night some sillies made a bonfire too close to their garden fence and managed to set it a light. It was a very big fire but thankfully it didn't spread to other people’s gardens because the firemen got to work quickly. The amount of smoke released in the air outside was quite something. Thankfully by then I had remembered my bedroom windows were open and had gone upstairs to close them but certainly left a fair smell in my room all the same.
Working on two youtube videos right now, almost finished one.
Sunday, 15 June 2008
Saturday, 31 May 2008
Finding ones self and holding on tight
I am often overwhelmed with negative thoughts about age. It seems to me I would willingly commit suicide rather than become a haggard old woman (because of this I feel time limited). The thought of winkle scares me beyond all sensible reason. In addition, my joints already ache to readily for someone young. I think this is why Oscar Wilde's "The Picture of Dorian Gray" is appealing to me. I really love that novel very much; I would say it was my all time favourite actually. The thought of always staying young as ones portrait decays instead is glorious. However, I think that story has an important message for us. While Dorian stayed young and beautiful, his soul became wretched. Therefore, his youth had no value for his nature had no quality to it. He would have been better off ageing as all mortals do and die with a dear heart. The inner being really is the only thing that matters. Fresh and bone are nothing more than earth machinery. You do not value someone based on his or her physical beauty alone do you? This is indeed wrong, yet we base ourselves on youth. It makes no sense at all.
It is like when people cannot understand when a young woman marries a man much older. It is not always for money as people think. Sometimes there is genuine affection that has brought the two people together. They saw in each other beautiful people (and older people can be beautiful), seeing past age. The only sad thing about these cases that people close to the younger may have some right to worry about is how the younger will face the loss of the older far sooner than they would like. Then again, illness, disease, or the heart packing up can happen at any age for a number of tragic reasons. So what is age to anyone? Just as some would say it is not how long one person lives for but how much they live in those years of life before going on. At least I hope there is a going on. With me, death seems to affect me more than age but both have a horrible affect… I guess it is because even though I have my spiritual beliefs I also have bad depression and both do not live happily with each other. The mind lays its own minefield for sad thoughts to tread softy upon.
Change in one's nature can also be a scary thing, it can be true I think that depression or stress can cause a corrosion of personality, perhaps even morals (becoming bitter towards those who do better than us) but I don't actually think it has to be that way. Sometimes it makes one more humble and caring towards others as well ; making one sense other peoples disturbances, compelling us to help, as a hero of mine once said and like to do.
I think of time as a very powerful and yes quite frightening force. I think if the right kind of experiences or attitudes are experienced through time it can make a person more beautiful too though. I am strongly attached to the wisdom of self some older people can obtain. The word some should be strongly noted here unfortunately. I try to be the Lion tamer of my soul, always on guard with a whip in one hand. I don't want to be creped upon and end up being someone I once couldn't bare to be. Sometimes I become easily distressed if something does creep in and take hold. I find when I'm in a deep depression I'm not the same person and I do become far less caring in my relations to others or forgetful of their needs. Which I really don't like. What I have noticed though and I feel this has come to me via the wisdom of time is I'm much more aware of my moods and what is actually taking place. I can now predict when I'm going take a fall. Now it's just trying to stop that fall now isn't it? I do feel I have become more accepting of my problems as problems, that they are a part of an illness. Especially this year and I'd say there is a number if factors which have caused this. All I know is I try and aim to approve with time like a good wine on the inside I know I can't on the out. Of cause this is positive spiritual Rebecca talking right now. If someone had a conversation with me when I was in a low state I certainly wouldn't be saying this stuff. However, I tell myself that doesn't mean my philosophy is pie in the sky rubbish. It's just on average I'm far to messed up and bogged down to grasp it. I do think outside influences can be the most dangerous of things! Especially if corrupted thoughts are being feed to you by those you put trust in. Nothing is more harmful than a friend with a bad heart (Buddha said something to the effect I think). When ever I've develop something in my nature that is wrong, it's always come from such a negative outside influence. It's often frightened me how people can actually affect me, but I'm starting to understand it now. It's down to having so little experiences so being over powered by other peoples mental will. I feel in the best position I have been in for a long time knowing that now as I can greater guard against it, but I must not be complacent. Having said that I've also found that outside influences can bring one back, I know my dearest friend has very much brought me back at times with nothing being done to do so. Friendship has been enough. I also think positive role models can do wonders as well, but only if they actually are indeed positive. It's good to have someone to identify with someone I think that can be very healing.
I also feel people are right in thinking the media and people within can be responsible for damaging peoples minds. Because when you love something or someone even if one claims to have a rational mind, the mind to things we love is rather like a sponge drawing in influences. I try so hard to only drew in surely positive influences. I won't watch something with cruel humour because I'm bored and it could give me a laugh. I won't play a video game where I'm the bad guy. I won’t watch pointless violence in a film, the film can be violent but it must have a point. To me not living by these rules I have made for myself would be like me putting a spiritual fork in my eye. Something can't just entertain me it must provide nourishment for the mind. I may sound rather regimental on this or maybe even a little fantastical but it's second nature to me now, and feels good. In these things I am such a Buddhist. However, I didn't need no books to make me think this way. I just found out my natural beliefs fitted with it. People that follow books are very irritating. Anyway, I think I've rambled enough on this, ha-ha! Not sure I've even made much sense.
With me, I like to live in a bit of a dream world to cope with harsh realties and harsh people. Moreover, the things I love I do so with utter passion. In doing so life remains worth something. I can seem obsessive about things because of this. I Suppose I am but it's not obsession for obsession shake. Do you understand what I mean? Or, am I just babbling?
My brain was buzzing all night and I have been busy in my thoughts! My thoughts mostly took the form of daydreams to give myself a buzz. The occasional negative thoughts recklessly thrown in for good measure (or were that crept in to spoil things?). Do you ever try to induce good feelings through imagining something you like in such a way? I seem to spend a lot of thinking up things to daydream, sometimes daydreaming of the most interesting of things even when pretending to watch the TV with family. Really, I would be off amusing myself… Some times I get curious about something or other and try envisioning it to see if I would like that situation. Yesterday the daydream took the form of such a situation, in this case which in reality would certainly not be appropriate with others around if it was real, I did like it.
I have always made myself daydream but I tended not to think anything of it believing everyone to daydream as much as me. It is only in this very hour I have realized most people more than likely don't!
All these things I have shared my thoughts on here make me feel very out of place and lonely in society. If I am truly myself and explain how I am (as I am doing now) I am viewed as odd, boring, stupid or even narcissistic. It can make me long to be someone else. And I have made myself into someone else for many a person I have encountered before now. Playing the role so effectively I’ve almost forgot who I really am in becoming that role. My essence of self is deeply vulnerable. One must find ones self and hold on tight.
It is like when people cannot understand when a young woman marries a man much older. It is not always for money as people think. Sometimes there is genuine affection that has brought the two people together. They saw in each other beautiful people (and older people can be beautiful), seeing past age. The only sad thing about these cases that people close to the younger may have some right to worry about is how the younger will face the loss of the older far sooner than they would like. Then again, illness, disease, or the heart packing up can happen at any age for a number of tragic reasons. So what is age to anyone? Just as some would say it is not how long one person lives for but how much they live in those years of life before going on. At least I hope there is a going on. With me, death seems to affect me more than age but both have a horrible affect… I guess it is because even though I have my spiritual beliefs I also have bad depression and both do not live happily with each other. The mind lays its own minefield for sad thoughts to tread softy upon.
Change in one's nature can also be a scary thing, it can be true I think that depression or stress can cause a corrosion of personality, perhaps even morals (becoming bitter towards those who do better than us) but I don't actually think it has to be that way. Sometimes it makes one more humble and caring towards others as well ; making one sense other peoples disturbances, compelling us to help, as a hero of mine once said and like to do.
I think of time as a very powerful and yes quite frightening force. I think if the right kind of experiences or attitudes are experienced through time it can make a person more beautiful too though. I am strongly attached to the wisdom of self some older people can obtain. The word some should be strongly noted here unfortunately. I try to be the Lion tamer of my soul, always on guard with a whip in one hand. I don't want to be creped upon and end up being someone I once couldn't bare to be. Sometimes I become easily distressed if something does creep in and take hold. I find when I'm in a deep depression I'm not the same person and I do become far less caring in my relations to others or forgetful of their needs. Which I really don't like. What I have noticed though and I feel this has come to me via the wisdom of time is I'm much more aware of my moods and what is actually taking place. I can now predict when I'm going take a fall. Now it's just trying to stop that fall now isn't it? I do feel I have become more accepting of my problems as problems, that they are a part of an illness. Especially this year and I'd say there is a number if factors which have caused this. All I know is I try and aim to approve with time like a good wine on the inside I know I can't on the out. Of cause this is positive spiritual Rebecca talking right now. If someone had a conversation with me when I was in a low state I certainly wouldn't be saying this stuff. However, I tell myself that doesn't mean my philosophy is pie in the sky rubbish. It's just on average I'm far to messed up and bogged down to grasp it. I do think outside influences can be the most dangerous of things! Especially if corrupted thoughts are being feed to you by those you put trust in. Nothing is more harmful than a friend with a bad heart (Buddha said something to the effect I think). When ever I've develop something in my nature that is wrong, it's always come from such a negative outside influence. It's often frightened me how people can actually affect me, but I'm starting to understand it now. It's down to having so little experiences so being over powered by other peoples mental will. I feel in the best position I have been in for a long time knowing that now as I can greater guard against it, but I must not be complacent. Having said that I've also found that outside influences can bring one back, I know my dearest friend has very much brought me back at times with nothing being done to do so. Friendship has been enough. I also think positive role models can do wonders as well, but only if they actually are indeed positive. It's good to have someone to identify with someone I think that can be very healing.
I also feel people are right in thinking the media and people within can be responsible for damaging peoples minds. Because when you love something or someone even if one claims to have a rational mind, the mind to things we love is rather like a sponge drawing in influences. I try so hard to only drew in surely positive influences. I won't watch something with cruel humour because I'm bored and it could give me a laugh. I won't play a video game where I'm the bad guy. I won’t watch pointless violence in a film, the film can be violent but it must have a point. To me not living by these rules I have made for myself would be like me putting a spiritual fork in my eye. Something can't just entertain me it must provide nourishment for the mind. I may sound rather regimental on this or maybe even a little fantastical but it's second nature to me now, and feels good. In these things I am such a Buddhist. However, I didn't need no books to make me think this way. I just found out my natural beliefs fitted with it. People that follow books are very irritating. Anyway, I think I've rambled enough on this, ha-ha! Not sure I've even made much sense.
With me, I like to live in a bit of a dream world to cope with harsh realties and harsh people. Moreover, the things I love I do so with utter passion. In doing so life remains worth something. I can seem obsessive about things because of this. I Suppose I am but it's not obsession for obsession shake. Do you understand what I mean? Or, am I just babbling?
My brain was buzzing all night and I have been busy in my thoughts! My thoughts mostly took the form of daydreams to give myself a buzz. The occasional negative thoughts recklessly thrown in for good measure (or were that crept in to spoil things?). Do you ever try to induce good feelings through imagining something you like in such a way? I seem to spend a lot of thinking up things to daydream, sometimes daydreaming of the most interesting of things even when pretending to watch the TV with family. Really, I would be off amusing myself… Some times I get curious about something or other and try envisioning it to see if I would like that situation. Yesterday the daydream took the form of such a situation, in this case which in reality would certainly not be appropriate with others around if it was real, I did like it.
I have always made myself daydream but I tended not to think anything of it believing everyone to daydream as much as me. It is only in this very hour I have realized most people more than likely don't!
All these things I have shared my thoughts on here make me feel very out of place and lonely in society. If I am truly myself and explain how I am (as I am doing now) I am viewed as odd, boring, stupid or even narcissistic. It can make me long to be someone else. And I have made myself into someone else for many a person I have encountered before now. Playing the role so effectively I’ve almost forgot who I really am in becoming that role. My essence of self is deeply vulnerable. One must find ones self and hold on tight.
Thursday, 1 May 2008
Wednesday, 30 April 2008
Tuesday
In the morning I received my forth book on you know who "Dancing In The Moonlight". Thankfully I didn't have to pay the price I usually see it for. Ten minutes later I had to get ready to go out to see Maya, so thought I'd take it with me to read in the waiting room.
I was made very angry yesterday by the clinic receptionist, due to the women's pure and utter rudeness towards Maya. Maya had come back from her first appointment and went to the receptionist counter to inform her that she also had another appointment (almost right after the first). Well this receptionist decided to pretend Maya was not there even though she was standing as close as can be. She kept typing away and then got up and moved a few files about then went back to her seat and started to type away again. Maya was left standing for what seemed at least five minutes. Then this receptionist had the nerve to pay attention to someone else who walked up (someone that works there) before Maya and then go back to blanking Maya.
My temper was increasing until it got to the point that I had to get up and walk over to Maya, I was just about to knock on the glass and tell the fucking receptionist what I thought of her, or at least demand her to notice Maya. Maybe the silly women sensed this because it was then she finally decided to notice Maya was there. Whatever the case the women was a flaming moron. That kind of behaviour could well stop people getting the help they need. If I was on my own and had to wait like that I would of left and not came back.
By the time Maya had come back from her second appointment of the day I had read my entire book. I think Maya was surprised. I am rather a fast and impulsive, and some what manic reader at times. I think I gave myself a headache in the process though!
I'm feeling rather blank, uninspired and meaningless. So I think I will leave this here for now.
I was made very angry yesterday by the clinic receptionist, due to the women's pure and utter rudeness towards Maya. Maya had come back from her first appointment and went to the receptionist counter to inform her that she also had another appointment (almost right after the first). Well this receptionist decided to pretend Maya was not there even though she was standing as close as can be. She kept typing away and then got up and moved a few files about then went back to her seat and started to type away again. Maya was left standing for what seemed at least five minutes. Then this receptionist had the nerve to pay attention to someone else who walked up (someone that works there) before Maya and then go back to blanking Maya.
My temper was increasing until it got to the point that I had to get up and walk over to Maya, I was just about to knock on the glass and tell the fucking receptionist what I thought of her, or at least demand her to notice Maya. Maybe the silly women sensed this because it was then she finally decided to notice Maya was there. Whatever the case the women was a flaming moron. That kind of behaviour could well stop people getting the help they need. If I was on my own and had to wait like that I would of left and not came back.
By the time Maya had come back from her second appointment of the day I had read my entire book. I think Maya was surprised. I am rather a fast and impulsive, and some what manic reader at times. I think I gave myself a headache in the process though!
I'm feeling rather blank, uninspired and meaningless. So I think I will leave this here for now.
Camden, shoes, policemen and sherlock!
What have I been up to? Not much until yesterday. In fact the day before yesterday I slept for sixteen hours straight. But yesterday I went out with John to London. Something we haven’t done for AGES! Really can’t remember the last time we went down London together. The idea was originally to go on the Brompton Cemetery tour, however the weather was sucky and so we thought the tour could well be off. So plan B was to go to Camden to buy some new shoes, and then the Sherlock Holmes Museum - located on Baker Street obviously. To be truthful I was actually more interested in going to the gift shop, I already knew what I wanted to buy from there.
So we set out into the dull rainy day at approximately midday, I took my big black Hoodie which has oriental writing on (no idea what it says) because it honestly is the warmest most waterproof thing I own now. Needless to say it actually isn’t super waterproof only being a hoodie but it is very warm. John went out in his big coat. We both soon regretted our choice of outdoors ware, for the tube was very hot and stuffy and by the time we were in Camden the weather had warmed considerably.
It must be at least three years since I ventured into Camden high street and down to the lock. It seemed busier than ever but they maybe due to my diminished memory of the place. One thing is certain it has changed a lot and in a rather disappointing sort of way. Camden has always been too pretentious for my liking but now you have to add on top the word incredibly trendy. Gone are the many rock shops and alternative music stores. In there place are shops selling very random objects and objects of clothing more found on the dance music scene. I couldn’t locate one good shoe store selling the kind of Goth dance trainers I have become so fond of. It would have been so easy to find them once. I did come across one shop which had a pair of new rock trainer boots in them which were simply lovely (only good shoes in the shop as far as I was concerned), the price, on the other hand, wasn’t lovely. Needless to say I left the ship very much empty handed. Such a shame because my current shoes are totally falling a part after eight months service and I can’t locate X18’s (shoes I currently have) in Size 9 anywhere on the internet. I noticed it was hard to locate any shoes in size 9 in Camden, or in shop stores in Oxford Street where I went later on. Weird!
As much as I found Camden still interesting to explore for a while I was glad to have finished my uneventful search for decent shoes and by on the way to Barker Street. Baker Street wasn’t as easy to get to as hoped. On a good day it would have been a breeze seeing it really isn’t so far from Camden if you are taking the train. The problem was there was no train to take! It shouldn’t have surprised me to find Camden Station closed. It is always being closed to steady the flow of humans pouring in and out of the area. Typical unorganized London! Honestly by now you’d of thought they would of build a much bigger and better station for Camden. Camden station is pathetically small and clearly from a time when people were mercifully fewer in number than today’s rabble. Those must have been the days! I bet Camden was beautiful in those days…
On the bus we went, taking us rather off the mark of Baker Street but at least it took us to a station, seven sisters, from which we could get to Baker Street by. Once on Baker Street it didn’t take us too long to locate the Sherlock Holmes museum. It has a most beautiful old fashioned wooden front, the glass in the window frames reminds me of old bottles in the way it rounds into harmless corners. I was pleased to see upon entering a really nice photo of Jeremy Brett as Sherlock Holmes on the wall. Thought that was so cool! Well I would.. I seem to have become a little obsessed with him recently, more so after reading two biographies on him (I relate to him so much it's weird.. I feel so fond of him).
While looking around the shop a man dressed in Victorian police uniform complete with black cape entered the shop, he went up to the old wooden counter to ask the lady seated there, in old fashion Victorian wear, something or other before leaving the shop. I thought he looked stunning in that Cape. I love male Victorian clothing so much. I tried to not make it oblivious I was drooling at… I mean looking at him. After poking everything in the store, and handling all the Sherlock teddies (which I couldn’t afford), I found MY book. Yes, my book, all mine, mwahaha. Um yes. Anyway, it had been by where the pretend Victorian policeman had been standing all along. Clearly he put me off in his fine cloths. I was so pleased to see the big fat A5 Glossy Book with Jeremy Brett on the front in Victorian Top hat, suit and holding a cain upwards resting over his shoulder in black leather gloves, I almost kissed the book. Thankfully I refrained from doing so to at least to carry on giving the outside appearance of sanity to all whom inhabited the crowded shop.
The book is about all the Sherlock Holmes actors who have ever been but it has a large section to Brett with some very nice photos because he is regarded as the very best Holmes ever by many (because he is!!!). Him and Basil Rathbone (1930 -40’s actor) are seen as the very best. Both fan groups will of course say the other was better. The text makes for rather depressing reading, stuff I already knew mostly. Think I’ll just look at the photos and not read the text again.
On leaving the Sherlock Holmes museum shop, John commented how he liked what the lady at the counter had been wearing and she was very pretty. I said I hadn't really notice her but I had noticed the police man! I said he was dressed so fine and looked sooooo nice. He was quite yummy. John said, what policemen? Then he said “oh this one you mean this one” and laughed. The police guy was standing just inches from me, and I went totally red as he smiled at me and said “why thank you very much” to me! Gah! Never going be able to go back there again now. :p
After we left Baker Street we went to Oxford Street to look for shoes for me again! By this time I was feeling a bit dizzy and my heart felt funny, I guess too much exercise and very little food after the highly inactive day before. Almost was at the point of white mist before my eyes. Thankfully john spotted a shop simply called “Eat” on Oxford Street. It had so many seriously good organic sandwiches and salads in there, I was in heaven, yummy! So we got some things and sat down on the very comfy leather upholstered seats there and had a good rest and put some good food in us. Afterwards we carried on hunting for shoes. I found a pair I liked but guess what? In size flipping ten, gah! I give up. I’m going have to make my own shoes at this rate. This is not in the least bit amusing.
When we got on the train home we stopped off at White City and sat down for a while before carrying on again. Still have no idea why I love that train station platform so much, but I do. Always feel so content sitting on the wooden benches at that station with my back resting against the big round white city train logo which forms the back of the bench. One of those little mysteries of life, huh? I was nice to be back there. I hope they never change those benches I’d be horribly upset. I get so attached to things! Not supposed to, attachment is bad according to Buddhist text because it leads to sadness in the end. Which is so true! I’m not a very good Buddhist type…
So we set out into the dull rainy day at approximately midday, I took my big black Hoodie which has oriental writing on (no idea what it says) because it honestly is the warmest most waterproof thing I own now. Needless to say it actually isn’t super waterproof only being a hoodie but it is very warm. John went out in his big coat. We both soon regretted our choice of outdoors ware, for the tube was very hot and stuffy and by the time we were in Camden the weather had warmed considerably.
It must be at least three years since I ventured into Camden high street and down to the lock. It seemed busier than ever but they maybe due to my diminished memory of the place. One thing is certain it has changed a lot and in a rather disappointing sort of way. Camden has always been too pretentious for my liking but now you have to add on top the word incredibly trendy. Gone are the many rock shops and alternative music stores. In there place are shops selling very random objects and objects of clothing more found on the dance music scene. I couldn’t locate one good shoe store selling the kind of Goth dance trainers I have become so fond of. It would have been so easy to find them once. I did come across one shop which had a pair of new rock trainer boots in them which were simply lovely (only good shoes in the shop as far as I was concerned), the price, on the other hand, wasn’t lovely. Needless to say I left the ship very much empty handed. Such a shame because my current shoes are totally falling a part after eight months service and I can’t locate X18’s (shoes I currently have) in Size 9 anywhere on the internet. I noticed it was hard to locate any shoes in size 9 in Camden, or in shop stores in Oxford Street where I went later on. Weird!
As much as I found Camden still interesting to explore for a while I was glad to have finished my uneventful search for decent shoes and by on the way to Barker Street. Baker Street wasn’t as easy to get to as hoped. On a good day it would have been a breeze seeing it really isn’t so far from Camden if you are taking the train. The problem was there was no train to take! It shouldn’t have surprised me to find Camden Station closed. It is always being closed to steady the flow of humans pouring in and out of the area. Typical unorganized London! Honestly by now you’d of thought they would of build a much bigger and better station for Camden. Camden station is pathetically small and clearly from a time when people were mercifully fewer in number than today’s rabble. Those must have been the days! I bet Camden was beautiful in those days…
On the bus we went, taking us rather off the mark of Baker Street but at least it took us to a station, seven sisters, from which we could get to Baker Street by. Once on Baker Street it didn’t take us too long to locate the Sherlock Holmes museum. It has a most beautiful old fashioned wooden front, the glass in the window frames reminds me of old bottles in the way it rounds into harmless corners. I was pleased to see upon entering a really nice photo of Jeremy Brett as Sherlock Holmes on the wall. Thought that was so cool! Well I would.. I seem to have become a little obsessed with him recently, more so after reading two biographies on him (I relate to him so much it's weird.. I feel so fond of him).
While looking around the shop a man dressed in Victorian police uniform complete with black cape entered the shop, he went up to the old wooden counter to ask the lady seated there, in old fashion Victorian wear, something or other before leaving the shop. I thought he looked stunning in that Cape. I love male Victorian clothing so much. I tried to not make it oblivious I was drooling at… I mean looking at him. After poking everything in the store, and handling all the Sherlock teddies (which I couldn’t afford), I found MY book. Yes, my book, all mine, mwahaha. Um yes. Anyway, it had been by where the pretend Victorian policeman had been standing all along. Clearly he put me off in his fine cloths. I was so pleased to see the big fat A5 Glossy Book with Jeremy Brett on the front in Victorian Top hat, suit and holding a cain upwards resting over his shoulder in black leather gloves, I almost kissed the book. Thankfully I refrained from doing so to at least to carry on giving the outside appearance of sanity to all whom inhabited the crowded shop.
The book is about all the Sherlock Holmes actors who have ever been but it has a large section to Brett with some very nice photos because he is regarded as the very best Holmes ever by many (because he is!!!). Him and Basil Rathbone (1930 -40’s actor) are seen as the very best. Both fan groups will of course say the other was better. The text makes for rather depressing reading, stuff I already knew mostly. Think I’ll just look at the photos and not read the text again.
On leaving the Sherlock Holmes museum shop, John commented how he liked what the lady at the counter had been wearing and she was very pretty. I said I hadn't really notice her but I had noticed the police man! I said he was dressed so fine and looked sooooo nice. He was quite yummy. John said, what policemen? Then he said “oh this one you mean this one” and laughed. The police guy was standing just inches from me, and I went totally red as he smiled at me and said “why thank you very much” to me! Gah! Never going be able to go back there again now. :p
After we left Baker Street we went to Oxford Street to look for shoes for me again! By this time I was feeling a bit dizzy and my heart felt funny, I guess too much exercise and very little food after the highly inactive day before. Almost was at the point of white mist before my eyes. Thankfully john spotted a shop simply called “Eat” on Oxford Street. It had so many seriously good organic sandwiches and salads in there, I was in heaven, yummy! So we got some things and sat down on the very comfy leather upholstered seats there and had a good rest and put some good food in us. Afterwards we carried on hunting for shoes. I found a pair I liked but guess what? In size flipping ten, gah! I give up. I’m going have to make my own shoes at this rate. This is not in the least bit amusing.
When we got on the train home we stopped off at White City and sat down for a while before carrying on again. Still have no idea why I love that train station platform so much, but I do. Always feel so content sitting on the wooden benches at that station with my back resting against the big round white city train logo which forms the back of the bench. One of those little mysteries of life, huh? I was nice to be back there. I hope they never change those benches I’d be horribly upset. I get so attached to things! Not supposed to, attachment is bad according to Buddhist text because it leads to sadness in the end. Which is so true! I’m not a very good Buddhist type…
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
Fancy Mice Bandeds
For those that do not know already, I am a breeder of fancy mice. I have always had small rodents (at first it was hamsters and gerbils) growing up. When I was 14 I brought my first mice and I have never looked back. They aare simply enchanting creatures and if bred properly very people friendly.
On Sunday my bandeds from Belgium and the Netherlands arrived at the port of Dover . They are quite a bit smaller in type than my own bred bandeds but they are adorable. They come from two mouserys : Mousery Vlindchi (Netherlands) and La Forêt des Yggdrasils (Belgium). Most are from Vlindchi though.
I was given 14 bandeds, but sadly one was ill by the time they reached me and was making very loud breathing sounds. Subsequently she sadly passed away within only half a day of me having her. I really don't know what happened there. Everyone else seems seems prefectly fine and healthy.
I can’t get more unrelated blood than by importing! This I’m pleased about. I keep saying “bonjour” to the mice instead of Hello. I'm quarantineing them for three weeks and letting them settle in and get to know me. After that I will be pairing up some of the french speakers to some of my own bred bandeds.
Evil Badge and my way of speaking
Now picture this, you suffer from anxiety or any other form of mental health issue. You go to the centre for therapy, medication or any other form of help they offer and you are handed a badge ! This badge is for a support group for “people like you”, a group that that informs you that you need not be ashamed of the mental health issues you have and it’s a group you will get comfort from joining. All sounds good right? Though the whole badge thing is weird! Not as weird as the badge though…
I'm not so sure they are trying to make people feel better. The person on the badge is a freak! This badge seriously scares me! Just what are they trying to say? The badge makes me feel depressed and silly and I don't actually belong to this group. I was simply handed one of these unfortunate objects because I was sitting with Maya.
Some scary women came up to her and started talking about something most incoherently! At least, to us she seemed most incoherent! I suppose it could of partly been because we were so nervous of suddenly being approached when in full conversation I might add. We thought she was there for treatment herself , and that is why she was unaware how rude coming up to two people in the middle of a conversation is. Her condition made her not understand this. However, she turned out to be a member of staff…
She wanted Maya to fill out a questionnaire of sorts about what she thought of the place. I’d glad she got to mention how it’s always too flipping hot in there. It’s really horrible. The heating has been on even on warm days making the waiting room, and I imagine, other areas of the clinic most uncomfortable.
There is something about some people that is really off putting. I mean she was friendly and behaved in a kindly manner towards us both. However, it didn’t ring true to me. There are some people with a sickly sweet manner and that was her. It always feels as if they are just being nice because they are paid to be or because it boosters themselves up as a worthwhile human being. In other words they get a kick out of “being good”. It’s not the same thing as getting a genuine pleasure. A warmth in ones heart, from doing the right thing and making someone else’s life better. I know I must sound so cynical but I think it’s more the case of being insightful. Because I am not saying everyone is like this. I recognize and have much gratitude towards genuine kindness when it is found.
You know what I have come very aware of? My voice! No more the way I use my voice. The wording I use in conversion, such as saying “like” in place of "such as", or simply saying "like" where it is not needed. Furthermore, I become tongue tied really easily. I feel I have very basic spoken skills. I find that I am able to I write a fair bit better than what I talk! I honestly don’t look down on other people like me or with less skill than me, as long as they are good people that is what matters. However, the way I talk bothers me personally more than I’d like to admit and has done so for a while. I think it’s partly a confidence issue. I find in real life conversation my thoughts race quickly or they blank out quickly. Leaving me little time to grab them up and spilt them out. Also ability to form good descriptions and concepts fails me when in conversation, even though I know what I want to say in my head. I really want to scream sometimes I am quite good at making myself feel so silly. When I’m alone and thinking things out in my own head I feel I have good literacy skills! Maybe it all comes down to not having shared many conversations with people face to face over the years. I've had few friends. Let alone ones that want to engaged in real stimulating discussion. Thankfully both Esmy and Maya do! :)
I think I will try speaking slower and see if that helps! Oh this all reminds me of something I read the other day, part of a conversation Jeremy Brett was having with Linda Pritchard, when they had first became friends.
When he was 16 years old, after he had contracted rheumatic fever. “Doctors thought I would never recover from the illness,” he said, “They told me I would never run up stairs and that I would be chair bound for the rest of my life. I guess that’s why I have little faith in doctors. No, I shouldn’t say that. I do have faith in their ability, but it seems to me many of them limit their outlook only to what is physically possible today, only to breakthroughs published in current medical journals. Nothing is attributed to will of the human being, how the human will can surpass physical handicaps and limitations. Anyway, I did manage to run up stairs and have since done a lot with my life, things those very same doctors thought would be impossible.
“and there’s one good thing that resulted from that ailment. When the illness was at its peak and I was very close to death, that was when I managed to touch the petticoats of comprehension Actually, it is something that has really helped me. Knowing that there is more to us than life and death makes one realise that all things are possible….”
“That is what gave me the confidence to do what I really wanted to do : be an actor. Be an actor, despite a speech impediment. It was a discouraging handicap, enough to make one give up trying to become an actor. Had I not the belief that anything was possible, I just might have given up. Not being able to pronounce the letters “r” and “s” is not something an actor can get away with. But because of my belief and probably a good dose of stubbornness, I just would not let go of my dream. I knew I had to overcome the obstacle. There just had to be. So I had my tongue cut, went to the Central School Of Speech and Drama, and gave it my best effort. And it worked. I was able to do what I was told I could never do…”
I think Jeremy had a delightful voice and expressed himself so well. If he can do it maybe I can too.:) From reading this book I have been reading it's also very clear he was a deep thinker and enjoyed meaningful coversation. I so wish I could have a chat to him about life, death, the universe and so much more. Be so lovely!
“One must always remember that we are not merely made of skin and bone. We are spiritual beings who can achieve all we set out to do. All we have to do is believe in the truth of our existence. We were not put on this earth by chance and either have we been put here simply to live and die. We are all on a wonderful journey of discovery. Not only to discover the joys and hardships of life, but to discover who we really are”.
I hope he's right...
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