Finding ones self and holding on tight

I am often overwhelmed with negative thoughts about age. It seems to me I would willingly commit suicide rather than become a haggard old woman (because of this I feel time limited). The thought of winkle scares me beyond all sensible reason. In addition, my joints already ache to readily for someone young. I think this is why Oscar Wilde's "The Picture of Dorian Gray" is appealing to me. I really love that novel very much; I would say it was my all time favourite actually. The thought of always staying young as ones portrait decays instead is glorious. However, I think that story has an important message for us. While Dorian stayed young and beautiful, his soul became wretched. Therefore, his youth had no value for his nature had no quality to it. He would have been better off ageing as all mortals do and die with a dear heart. The inner being really is the only thing that matters. Fresh and bone are nothing more than earth machinery. You do not value someone based on his or her physical beauty alone do you? This is indeed wrong, yet we base ourselves on youth. It makes no sense at all.
It is like when people cannot understand when a young woman marries a man much older. It is not always for money as people think. Sometimes there is genuine affection that has brought the two people together. They saw in each other beautiful people (and older people can be beautiful), seeing past age. The only sad thing about these cases that people close to the younger may have some right to worry about is how the younger will face the loss of the older far sooner than they would like. Then again, illness, disease, or the heart packing up can happen at any age for a number of tragic reasons. So what is age to anyone? Just as some would say it is not how long one person lives for but how much they live in those years of life before going on. At least I hope there is a going on. With me, death seems to affect me more than age but both have a horrible affect… I guess it is because even though I have my spiritual beliefs I also have bad depression and both do not live happily with each other. The mind lays its own minefield for sad thoughts to tread softy upon.

Change in one's nature can also be a scary thing, it can be true I think that depression or stress can cause a corrosion of personality, perhaps even morals (becoming bitter towards those who do better than us) but I don't actually think it has to be that way. Sometimes it makes one more humble and caring towards others as well ; making one sense other peoples disturbances, compelling us to help, as a hero of mine once said and like to do.
I think of time as a very powerful and yes quite frightening force. I think if the right kind of experiences or attitudes are experienced through time it can make a person more beautiful too though. I am strongly attached to the wisdom of self some older people can obtain. The word some should be strongly noted here unfortunately. I try to be the Lion tamer of my soul, always on guard with a whip in one hand. I don't want to be creped upon and end up being someone I once couldn't bare to be. Sometimes I become easily distressed if something does creep in and take hold. I find when I'm in a deep depression I'm not the same person and I do become far less caring in my relations to others or forgetful of their needs. Which I really don't like. What I have noticed though and I feel this has come to me via the wisdom of time is I'm much more aware of my moods and what is actually taking place. I can now predict when I'm going take a fall. Now it's just trying to stop that fall now isn't it? I do feel I have become more accepting of my problems as problems, that they are a part of an illness. Especially this year and I'd say there is a number if factors which have caused this. All I know is I try and aim to approve with time like a good wine on the inside I know I can't on the out. Of cause this is positive spiritual Rebecca talking right now. If someone had a conversation with me when I was in a low state I certainly wouldn't be saying this stuff. However, I tell myself that doesn't mean my philosophy is pie in the sky rubbish. It's just on average I'm far to messed up and bogged down to grasp it. I do think outside influences can be the most dangerous of things! Especially if corrupted thoughts are being feed to you by those you put trust in. Nothing is more harmful than a friend with a bad heart (Buddha said something to the effect I think). When ever I've develop something in my nature that is wrong, it's always come from such a negative outside influence. It's often frightened me how people can actually affect me, but I'm starting to understand it now. It's down to having so little experiences so being over powered by other peoples mental will. I feel in the best position I have been in for a long time knowing that now as I can greater guard against it, but I must not be complacent. Having said that I've also found that outside influences can bring one back, I know my dearest friend has very much brought me back at times with nothing being done to do so. Friendship has been enough. I also think positive role models can do wonders as well, but only if they actually are indeed positive. It's good to have someone to identify with someone I think that can be very healing.
I also feel people are right in thinking the media and people within can be responsible for damaging peoples minds. Because when you love something or someone even if one claims to have a rational mind, the mind to things we love is rather like a sponge drawing in influences. I try so hard to only drew in surely positive influences. I won't watch something with cruel humour because I'm bored and it could give me a laugh. I won't play a video game where I'm the bad guy. I won’t watch pointless violence in a film, the film can be violent but it must have a point. To me not living by these rules I have made for myself would be like me putting a spiritual fork in my eye. Something can't just entertain me it must provide nourishment for the mind. I may sound rather regimental on this or maybe even a little fantastical but it's second nature to me now, and feels good. In these things I am such a Buddhist. However, I didn't need no books to make me think this way. I just found out my natural beliefs fitted with it. People that follow books are very irritating. Anyway, I think I've rambled enough on this, ha-ha! Not sure I've even made much sense.
With me, I like to live in a bit of a dream world to cope with harsh realties and harsh people. Moreover, the things I love I do so with utter passion. In doing so life remains worth something. I can seem obsessive about things because of this. I Suppose I am but it's not obsession for obsession shake. Do you understand what I mean? Or, am I just babbling?

My brain was buzzing all night and I have been busy in my thoughts! My thoughts mostly took the form of daydreams to give myself a buzz. The occasional negative thoughts recklessly thrown in for good measure (or were that crept in to spoil things?). Do you ever try to induce good feelings through imagining something you like in such a way? I seem to spend a lot of thinking up things to daydream, sometimes daydreaming of the most interesting of things even when pretending to watch the TV with family. Really, I would be off amusing myself… Some times I get curious about something or other and try envisioning it to see if I would like that situation. Yesterday the daydream took the form of such a situation, in this case which in reality would certainly not be appropriate with others around if it was real, I did like it.
I have always made myself daydream but I tended not to think anything of it believing everyone to daydream as much as me. It is only in this very hour I have realized most people more than likely don't!

All these things I have shared my thoughts on here make me feel very out of place and lonely in society. If I am truly myself and explain how I am (as I am doing now) I am viewed as odd, boring, stupid or even narcissistic. It can make me long to be someone else. And I have made myself into someone else for many a person I have encountered before now. Playing the role so effectively I’ve almost forgot who I really am in becoming that role. My essence of self is deeply vulnerable. One must find ones self and hold on tight.