People Trouble

I really hate how if I allow the wrong kind of people in my life by mistake I find it hard to tell them where to go. Even if they are being really dominating and mulipative. When I finally get the courage up to do what’s right against them it's a really intense event. My heart paces at a million miles an hour. I hate the feelings associated with confrontation.

I don't like being an angry or aggressive person. With actual strangers that are out right mean to me from the start I cope better with (though still it‘s horrible). So much harder with people I get on friendly terms with, people whom slowly but surely turn our friendship into a communist state. I feel so stressed.

My mobile just went then with a text from one such person. My heart is now racing even though I know I am in the right and that person should have no power over me. What’s wrong with me? Why do such people process this power over me? And why are dominating people attached to me. I keep forming friendships where I suffer exploitation.

The person who has hurt and pissed me off I expected a bit more of and had got to like against my original better judgement. We weren't close or anything but I trusted her. And trust is a very precious thing to instil in someone. I keep telling myself never to give trust out so easily. I thought I had got myself over that problem but clearly I have a mind which sometimes likes to graze over things, create denial and be dismissive of the facts presented before me. It's as if my want for my life to be more full of nice people makes me believe someone is nice. Then I am left feeling hurt, lost and angry with myself. Also I have renewed "faith" in the world being full of horrible hurtful people. A place where I really don't know if things are what they seem every time someone tries to get into my life, and a place where I worry I’m going be hurt by the people I have let in already. Or a place where I give up letting people in altogether. My feelings aren’t easily hurt by outright strangers, and I'm quick to stand up for myself and fight back, give lip of fist if necessary if trouble makers just set on me. I almost enjoy the fight if anything. They don't hurt me. However, I'm a weak as a butterfly caught in a storm if I'm let down by someone I thought was good and kind. That I allowed into my world. That I gave or would give my time and attention too. I hurt too much and too easily when it comes to such matters.

Most important of all is how do I solve this problem? There is a way to change it but how?